Sunday, January 15, 2012

To have and to hold?

Source: via Erin on Pinterest

Who else was commenting that there's something in the water right now? Seriously, isn't that the truth?  There's a ridiculous amount of friends on my FB profile that are announcing pregnancies and updating about pregnancies.  It's running through my computer too, on Blogger and on Pinterest.  Even those who aren't pregnant are wishfully thinking on Pinterest board.  Don't be offended by my use of the phrase "wishfully thinking" - I've become embittered from my own failed attempts at pregnancy.  I grew up being led to believe conception was so easy it could accidentally happen to you if you weren't taking the proper precautions.  That's the exception and not the rule, at least in my case.

Let me bring you up to speed, in case you haven't been here/known me long:

  • October 2007 - DH leaves for Korea, I go off BCP to give myself time to adjust.
  • October 2007 - Winter 2010 - Nothing happens.  Our "together" time is scattered, due to an overseas tour, a move to Bragg (without me), and a deployment.
  • Winter 2010 - I pursue medical help through a reproductive endocrinologist on Bragg.  They immediately throw me on Clomid, rather than taking other steps first.  It is never determined if there is something medically wrong with me, or DH for that matter.
  • March 2010 - DH returns from deployment.
  • Mid 2010 - We put conception on hold, due to DH's medical history concerns/fears (he had a son who died of congenital heart defects before the age of 3) and the fact that I was starting a new job in CO and wouldn't get maternity leave until I had been there for over a year.
  • Mid-Late 2010 - Conception and pregnancy becomes a touchy subject for me.  Trinnie is extra-sensitive when telling me about her second pregnancy [probably early 2011, in hindsight].
  • January 2011 - I pursue enlistment in the Air Force and take extra precautions not to get pregnant.  Enlistment was my "If I'm 30 and Still Don't Have Kids" goal.  It was now or never, as I couldn't see myself enlisting if I had small children.  [Obviously, my service means much more to me now, but if that was the catalyst, so be it!]
  • September 2011 - I return from tech school and we experience difficulties with our relationship, reintegration stress, and financial stress.  I make other life plans for myself (MTI school) and go back on BCP.
I've become very comfortable with the "I'm not having kids" attitude, and I'm eager to pursue the goals I've laid out for myself.  All of that being said, DH and I hadn't really talked about this new change of heart all that much.  At one point when I mentioned not having kids, his reaction seemed to be one of disappointment.  I didn't want him to be resentful and I didn't want thoughts to go unspoken, so I finally brought up the topic again this weekend.  He feels that I'm not ready, but he is patient and still wants to have [biological] children with me.

I feel like things are coming together in our life, very slowly, but surely, and that makes me more open to the idea.  As much as I plan out my childfree future with its goals and aspirations, I've always envisioned myself having kids.

So here's where I stand - after this last pack of BCP, I won't refill my prescription.  I won't aggressively pursue conception.  You won't see me buying ovulation monitors, books on how to prepare yourself for pregnancy, or doing handstands after sex [well, I'd hope you wouldn't see me right after sex, period].  But if it happens, it happens.  I'm leaving my fate up to just that - fate.  There's no point in reworking my Grand Master Plan at the moment, but I'm leaving myself open to possibilities.

[Comments have been disabled.  I appreciate your support and well-wishes for whatever might happen.  Pet peeves include comments mentioning "God's plan," stress, or "when you're not thinking about it, it'll happen" - not typically what TTC folks or the fertility-challenged set wants to hear.  Me, I'm no longer desperate to have a child, and I know my life will be significant and fulfilling if I wind up without child.  If you would still like to reach out, I'm always connected via Twitter.]